The Worst: and other names I don't appreciate being called

Hi

I'm no writer.

...so hopefully this will sound somewhat cohesive at the end


I can't handle today. I guess today is a little specific. I've had feelings of negativity, loathing, and hatred building up in me for what seems like the last 3 weeks. It's the little stuff. Additions of derogatory terms at the end of your sentences and extra statements intended to indicate passive aggression. And I am just so damn sick of it.

I'm tired of being "the worst" for just being me. I'm tired of being a "slut" for not playing another round of a game with friends. I'm especially and totally exhausted from being called a "bitch" for making dinner plans with my boyfriend. I don't understand why these terms are thrown around like neon paint at a rave, on everyone for no reason besides the fact that society says it's "cool."

This all started a couple months ago, shortly after coming back from winter break, when I started dating my current boyfriend. It should be noted, he is perfect. All those instagram accounts dedicated to women ranting about how they should be treated have nothing on this perfect human I have acquired.  Anyway, he and I have spent a large amount of time together and about a month ago I began noticing the snooty attitudes and snarky comments I was being oh so graciously gifted with from the girls I live with. Within a couple weeks, I had a mutual friend explaining to me how much my roommate now hates living with me solely due to my relationship status. The waves of emotions have been affecting my actions ever since.

I wish I could say that I do not desire others' approval; but that would be a total and utter lie. I like when everyone is happy and on good-terms. I am what Harvard graduate psychologists would call a "people-pleaser." I want everyone to be happy regardless of my own happiness. Since coming back from spring break almost a week ago, I have made a serious effort to make more time for my friend group despite large sums of stress. From this, I have gained a couple inside jokes, been stressed out about the quality of my friendships, and am currently rather depressed. That sounds harsh. I have close friends, the perfect boyfriend, and a plan for my future, how the hell am I depressed. Well I'm sure at least 50% of all this is hormones, the rest is... is... the fear that my friendships will crumble and fall apart when I fight for my own happiness.

What is bullying? Please. Someone tell me a real definition, all the PSAs clearly don't do shit. I've never been bullied in my life. I don't understand the cruelty in the world. I am a child of privilege who thinks they're being bullied. I deserve no pity, and I should not change anything.

My general life philosophy is concluded perfectly using the phrase, "Kill them with kindness." I guess I will continue to work towards this forever because no one can be mad if you're too nice.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Damn. I hate poetry.

You.

You genuinely don't make sense to me.

You want to be my best friend,

until there's someone better around.

You want to be complimented,

so you self-deprecate desperately.

You want to be more than the present,

but you can't get over the past.

You want to be seen as unique,

but you act exactly like your friends.

You want to sympathize,

but you end up in a lake of pity.

You want your past to stop chasing you,

yet you walk in slow motion.

You are a walking, talking contradiction,

and nothing's gonna change until you do.

You,

just you.

A Little Note on Friendship

I consider friendship an achievement. Just as much as grades or trophies, not that I'm saying you should treat your friends as either of the two, its more that friendships require effort and time to maintain. Sadly my health teacher did not feel the same way. We were doing a project on a newspaper highlighting ourselves and he did not find the article on my friendships to fulfill the goal of the 'proudest achievements' section. In order to attempt to repress my anger I shall post it here, in hopes of getting some positive feedback.

(My Name) is one person who really appreciates what she has. She has accomplished many things in her life but the one thing she is most proud of is her friendship with the people closest. She told us, “Friends don’t just come to us, they are earned with trust, faith, and laughter.” She further explained how friends don’t just come to us and that her biggest accomplishment was and still is the friends she has held on to for so long. Though some think that friends are easy to make she says, “Yes they are but keeping friends and getting to know them so well takes time and effort.” Keeping up and keeping in touch is not easy through breaks and vacations but you must do it to keep a friend. (My Name) knows that the friends she has now will last her a life time.

Just to let out my anger on this topic for the last time, I GOT A FUCKING C+ ON THIS NEWSPAPER ASSIGNMENT BECAUSE MY TEACHER DIDN'T CONSIDER MY FRIENDSHIPS OF MANY YEARS ANY SORT OF ACCOMPLISHMENT. Now I will let it go, good night all.