The Worst: and other names I don't appreciate being called

Hi

I'm no writer.

...so hopefully this will sound somewhat cohesive at the end


I can't handle today. I guess today is a little specific. I've had feelings of negativity, loathing, and hatred building up in me for what seems like the last 3 weeks. It's the little stuff. Additions of derogatory terms at the end of your sentences and extra statements intended to indicate passive aggression. And I am just so damn sick of it.

I'm tired of being "the worst" for just being me. I'm tired of being a "slut" for not playing another round of a game with friends. I'm especially and totally exhausted from being called a "bitch" for making dinner plans with my boyfriend. I don't understand why these terms are thrown around like neon paint at a rave, on everyone for no reason besides the fact that society says it's "cool."

This all started a couple months ago, shortly after coming back from winter break, when I started dating my current boyfriend. It should be noted, he is perfect. All those instagram accounts dedicated to women ranting about how they should be treated have nothing on this perfect human I have acquired.  Anyway, he and I have spent a large amount of time together and about a month ago I began noticing the snooty attitudes and snarky comments I was being oh so graciously gifted with from the girls I live with. Within a couple weeks, I had a mutual friend explaining to me how much my roommate now hates living with me solely due to my relationship status. The waves of emotions have been affecting my actions ever since.

I wish I could say that I do not desire others' approval; but that would be a total and utter lie. I like when everyone is happy and on good-terms. I am what Harvard graduate psychologists would call a "people-pleaser." I want everyone to be happy regardless of my own happiness. Since coming back from spring break almost a week ago, I have made a serious effort to make more time for my friend group despite large sums of stress. From this, I have gained a couple inside jokes, been stressed out about the quality of my friendships, and am currently rather depressed. That sounds harsh. I have close friends, the perfect boyfriend, and a plan for my future, how the hell am I depressed. Well I'm sure at least 50% of all this is hormones, the rest is... is... the fear that my friendships will crumble and fall apart when I fight for my own happiness.

What is bullying? Please. Someone tell me a real definition, all the PSAs clearly don't do shit. I've never been bullied in my life. I don't understand the cruelty in the world. I am a child of privilege who thinks they're being bullied. I deserve no pity, and I should not change anything.

My general life philosophy is concluded perfectly using the phrase, "Kill them with kindness." I guess I will continue to work towards this forever because no one can be mad if you're too nice.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

A Little Note on Friendship

I consider friendship an achievement. Just as much as grades or trophies, not that I'm saying you should treat your friends as either of the two, its more that friendships require effort and time to maintain. Sadly my health teacher did not feel the same way. We were doing a project on a newspaper highlighting ourselves and he did not find the article on my friendships to fulfill the goal of the 'proudest achievements' section. In order to attempt to repress my anger I shall post it here, in hopes of getting some positive feedback.

(My Name) is one person who really appreciates what she has. She has accomplished many things in her life but the one thing she is most proud of is her friendship with the people closest. She told us, “Friends don’t just come to us, they are earned with trust, faith, and laughter.” She further explained how friends don’t just come to us and that her biggest accomplishment was and still is the friends she has held on to for so long. Though some think that friends are easy to make she says, “Yes they are but keeping friends and getting to know them so well takes time and effort.” Keeping up and keeping in touch is not easy through breaks and vacations but you must do it to keep a friend. (My Name) knows that the friends she has now will last her a life time.

Just to let out my anger on this topic for the last time, I GOT A FUCKING C+ ON THIS NEWSPAPER ASSIGNMENT BECAUSE MY TEACHER DIDN'T CONSIDER MY FRIENDSHIPS OF MANY YEARS ANY SORT OF ACCOMPLISHMENT. Now I will let it go, good night all.

How Things Change

The following is a paragraph I wrote in 8th grade about where I wanted to go in life and what I wanted to do. All I can say is, boy how things have changed.

This is where I want to go…

I want to grow up and go into education discoveries. I want to study children and discover more useful techniques for children with autism. I want to follow in my mom’s steps and work with autistic and disabled children and infants. I want to go to Ithaca or Charleston college and get a degree in teaching and occupational therapy. I want to get into these studies and make a difference in the way they teach children. I hope to have one child and many close friends maybe adopt one. I want to live in a nice suburban area with my family near my parents (not too close). An average life is not what I want . I want to be able to make new discoveries in education and to make a difference.

How the Children Feel-- Original Lyrics

These are the lyrics to a song I wrote in the olden days. Its is about children in the Great Depression. Enjoy!

How does it feel,
When your kids are hungry
When they’re sad
And you can’t help at all

Little huts are going up in Hooverville
We with there would be no need
The shantytowns all around us
Filled with the poor

Kids cry and birds stop singing
You are trying to stop them
The happy things in life
Are hard to imagine, if things were normal, once again

Chores were to be done
Children couldn’t play
Just for fun
Cooking and cleaning were number one

Kids cry and birds stop singing
You are trying to stop them
The happy things in life
Are hard to imagine, if things were normal, once again

We think of one thing, the children
And how they feel
How we put them through this
I think of the poor, poor children

The world is struggling ..
And you feel helpless
Like there’s seems to be no real way to survive
That’s how I feel, this is how we feel.

Just thinking of the children working
Playing never so often
The world has changed
It’s never gonna be the same

Everything is now harder for us
Jobs aren’t busy
Women working
Men at home all day

Kids cry and birds stop singing
You are trying to stop them
The happy things in life
Are hard to imagine, if things were normal, once again

This is how it (quietly)
This is how it
This is how it feels (loudly)
For the world and our children

Kids are crying,
can you hear them today..

Education Essay

This is another oldie from 8th grade. It is on the topic of education and how our nations education system works. I have written numerous papers about this topic but this is the first of my files. Without further adieu:

"Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each." (Plato --BC 427-BC 347-- Greek philosopher.) Plato clearly knew how schools should be organized in order for the greatest success rate. Our schools and teachers are now paying no mind to the joy and uniqueness of the students they have in of their classes. Everything is assessed and/ or graded to the teachers, state government, and federal government's expectations. Today's classrooms are no longer grading and assessing students across the country, in the way suggested by Plato. Today schools seem to be assessing students to defined standards, caring only about grades, and dismissing the idea of fun. Schools are blind to the fun of learning and are focusing on grades more than ever. Every assessment a child is given demonstrates nothing of how bright they are. Students now more than ever need to be seen as more than a grade. In order for schools and students to be victorious schools need to make a change in the way they teach students.

            You have just handed in a test and a week later you get it back, at the top you see C+. The teacher does not know how much effort you put or all the time you spent studying. This is the way that students are being graded, by state and national standards. This is the same with every test, essay, and especially group project. Schools should pay more attention to participation, effort, and involvement in the classroom, and less to any assignment. Many students try very hard but just aren't good test takers. That alone lowers their grade, even though they try so hard. Teachers should look for understanding more than any grade because that will show how productive students are.

            Everyone wants to get a good grade, but is it really that easy? Grades are things that define students and are used to judge them for the rest of their lives. How could such stereotypical and unfair things be so important? Students are overwhelmed by all the grades they need to earn, between homework, tests, and projects. How can they make the grade? As students get more stressed grades go down. Districts need to tell teachers to give fewer assignments. The teachers should talk to each other about their tests, quizzes, projects, and other assignments. By simply planning out these things students would be able to do more and keep up the good grades.

            In school you sit in a desk for six hours every day, week by week, month by month, until a day off. Wondering how they make it, students no longer have a recess or cardio, let alone enough time for gym. It has been proven that if you amuse students it will make it easier for them to learn. To help teachers could make up game shows, have contests, and relate topics to everyday life. To just do activities, go outside, or even have funny limericks to help memorize information would make students a bit more enthusiastic about school. Students are given facts to memorize, then to be quizzed on but, small steps towards a change in education will make all the difference.

            When put into perspective, it is understandable that education needs to make a change. Having schools assessing students to what is known and nothing else, making grades incredibly important, and not recognizing how much fun school could be. These things are easy to do. Once in my science class we used to sing to help memorize information. It went to the tune of other popular songs, and was a lot of fun. If education wants to move along with technology it better catch up. We need to make a change in grades and assessments so we stay in touch with the rest of the world. We'd make these changes so everyone is educated properly and is ready for the real world. Without the precise way of teaching that we need, schools and students will not prosper to be the "genius of each," (Plato).  

Now that I'm finishing highschool and have 4 more years of experience with the education system some of my opinions have changed. But those won't be revealed until the future...

College Essay

This was my first attempt at a college essay. It is not the one I used to apply to any schools.

College Essay: Personal Statement

I am a flawed person. In my life I have found so many errors in my method of thinking. I am not the type of person to deny this. I am not close to perfection, but I am on the road, on a trip that’s end is indefinite. This journey started in a train crash sixteen years ago, but I knew my ride could only get better. I have the tendency to forget big things but remember small details. I have the skill to take control of group activities but often choose to be passive when confronted. Yet every minute I discover something different that can lead me to my future. I have learned that I am inclined to encourage optimism in the people around me, even on my worst days. I understand now that just because you can do something, does not mean you should, and have based many decisions off this rule. I have realized that the world is not a perfect place and that in order to succeed, it’s necessary to be determined and work hard. Facing my weaknesses has only led me to improvement. I have grown as a person from all the problems I have dealt with or even caused. I know now that sometimes it’s better to ask, rather than assume. I know I can be a leader without taking control. Instead I will motivate the people I work with and only insert my opinion when necessary. Through all I’ve learned about myself, I have engraved in my head a picture of perfection, my own image of success. The key element in my image of success is furthering my education, in order to pursue a career I am thoroughly interested in. Attending your educational institution would be the next step in achieving my goals. I will continue to admit my weaknesses in order to turn them into strengths and I see college as my opportunity to continue to paint the picture of perfection that I strive for.I know that the knowledge college provides will advance my journey and as I progress through this broken highway they call life, I know I have to face what’s in front of me and not regret the past. I am on a one-way road to self-discovery and there’s no turning back. 

Music Essay

The following is an essay written for a musical lesson scholarship by moi. I did not win it but I did come to terms with my relationship with music, the following is that analysis.

Music. Music is such a broad topic. There are different styles, coinciding with different time periods. There’s the conductor and how they choose to add drama to a piece. And there’s the musician who plays the music.  The role of music in a musician’s life is necessary, it may be the urge to hum constantly, take out their instrument when they’re bored, or simply listen to a favorite piece. I am a musician. Music is, for me, something to wake up to and fall asleep to. It is part of my daily schedule whether its orchestra every morning, practice during lunch, or rehearsals after school. Music is what keeps me going some days and other days, it opens my eyes. I don’t know where I would spend my time without having music in my life.