Saturday, April 9, 2016

The Worst: and other names I don't appreciate being called


I'm no writer. hopefully this will sound somewhat cohesive at the end

I can't handle today. I guess today is a little specific. I've had feelings of negativity, loathing, and hatred building up in me for what seems like the last 3 weeks. It's the little stuff. Additions of derogatory terms at the end of your sentences and extra statements intended to indicate passive aggression. And I am just so damn sick of it.

I'm tired of being "the worst" for just being me. I'm tired of being a "slut" for not playing another round of a game with friends. I'm especially and totally exhausted from being called a "bitch" for making dinner plans with my boyfriend. I don't understand why these terms are thrown around like neon paint at a rave, on everyone for no reason besides the fact that society says it's "cool."

This all started a couple months ago, shortly after coming back from winter break, when I started dating my current boyfriend. It should be noted, he is perfect. All those instagram accounts dedicated to women ranting about how they should be treated have nothing on this perfect human I have acquired.  Anyway, he and I have spent a large amount of time together and about a month ago I began noticing the snooty attitudes and snarky comments I was being oh so graciously gifted with from the girls I live with. Within a couple weeks, I had a mutual friend explaining to me how much my roommate now hates living with me solely due to my relationship status. The waves of emotions have been affecting my actions ever since.

I wish I could say that I do not desire others' approval; but that would be a total and utter lie. I like when everyone is happy and on good-terms. I am what Harvard graduate psychologists would call a "people-pleaser." I want everyone to be happy regardless of my own happiness. Since coming back from spring break almost a week ago, I have made a serious effort to make more time for my friend group despite large sums of stress. From this, I have gained a couple inside jokes, been stressed out about the quality of my friendships, and am currently rather depressed. That sounds harsh. I have close friends, the perfect boyfriend, and a plan for my future, how the hell am I depressed. Well I'm sure at least 50% of all this is hormones, the rest is... is... the fear that my friendships will crumble and fall apart when I fight for my own happiness.

What is bullying? Please. Someone tell me a real definition, all the PSAs clearly don't do shit. I've never been bullied in my life. I don't understand the cruelty in the world. I am a child of privilege who thinks they're being bullied. I deserve no pity, and I should not change anything.

My general life philosophy is concluded perfectly using the phrase, "Kill them with kindness." I guess I will continue to work towards this forever because no one can be mad if you're too nice.


Monday, May 4, 2015

Damn. I hate poetry.


You genuinely don't make sense to me.

You want to be my best friend,

until there's someone better around.

You want to be complimented,

so you self-deprecate desperately.

You want to be more than the present,

but you can't get over the past.

You want to be seen as unique,

but you act exactly like your friends.

You want to sympathize,

but you end up in a lake of pity.

You want your past to stop chasing you,

yet you walk in slow motion.

You are a walking, talking contradiction,

and nothing's gonna change until you do.


just you.

Monday, April 27, 2015

lil poem of emotion

Waiting waiting waiting waiting


Its been three weeks.

Wheres my email

Wheres my anxiety attack

Let me GET IT OVER WITH now please

The trend has been every three weeks

Its destine to happen soon


The buzz kills me

Nervous every time

This waiting game can’t last

Thursday, April 23, 2015



"Oh yes, the past can hurt. But you can either run from it, or learn from it."

-The Lion King

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Thursday, April 9, 2015



"You're mad. Bonkers. Off your head... but I'll tell you a secret... all of the best people are."

-Alice in Wonderland



"When you find out who you are, you'll find out what you need"

-The Princess and the Frog