Saturday, April 9, 2016

The Worst: and other names I don't appreciate being called


I'm no writer. hopefully this will sound somewhat cohesive at the end

I can't handle today. I guess today is a little specific. I've had feelings of negativity, loathing, and hatred building up in me for what seems like the last 3 weeks. It's the little stuff. Additions of derogatory terms at the end of your sentences and extra statements intended to indicate passive aggression. And I am just so damn sick of it.

I'm tired of being "the worst" for just being me. I'm tired of being a "slut" for not playing another round of a game with friends. I'm especially and totally exhausted from being called a "bitch" for making dinner plans with my boyfriend. I don't understand why these terms are thrown around like neon paint at a rave, on everyone for no reason besides the fact that society says it's "cool."

This all started a couple months ago, shortly after coming back from winter break, when I started dating my current boyfriend. It should be noted, he is perfect. All those instagram accounts dedicated to women ranting about how they should be treated have nothing on this perfect human I have acquired.  Anyway, he and I have spent a large amount of time together and about a month ago I began noticing the snooty attitudes and snarky comments I was being oh so graciously gifted with from the girls I live with. Within a couple weeks, I had a mutual friend explaining to me how much my roommate now hates living with me solely due to my relationship status. The waves of emotions have been affecting my actions ever since.

I wish I could say that I do not desire others' approval; but that would be a total and utter lie. I like when everyone is happy and on good-terms. I am what Harvard graduate psychologists would call a "people-pleaser." I want everyone to be happy regardless of my own happiness. Since coming back from spring break almost a week ago, I have made a serious effort to make more time for my friend group despite large sums of stress. From this, I have gained a couple inside jokes, been stressed out about the quality of my friendships, and am currently rather depressed. That sounds harsh. I have close friends, the perfect boyfriend, and a plan for my future, how the hell am I depressed. Well I'm sure at least 50% of all this is hormones, the rest is... is... the fear that my friendships will crumble and fall apart when I fight for my own happiness.

What is bullying? Please. Someone tell me a real definition, all the PSAs clearly don't do shit. I've never been bullied in my life. I don't understand the cruelty in the world. I am a child of privilege who thinks they're being bullied. I deserve no pity, and I should not change anything.

My general life philosophy is concluded perfectly using the phrase, "Kill them with kindness." I guess I will continue to work towards this forever because no one can be mad if you're too nice.


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